Some Random Thoughts....

I wasn't sure on how to title this one because really it is just some random thoughts without any organization. One of my resolutions this year is to settle down. Not necessarily meaning that I want to be married by the end of the year type of settling down but more of settling down in my ways. I have mellowed out a lot in the last couple of years with the random hookups and thinking that men are just useful for "one thing" (and realizing that sometimes they can't live up to that challenge either ; ) I have come to realize that not all men are created equal. Yes, my dearest old friends, I have come to terms that I do have a heart and sooner or later I have to open it up to someone else. Don't get me wrong....I have loved men before and not in just the physical way. I am capable of loving. I have gotten that far. But to be fair, I have never totally let someone in. I have only let people have glimpses or little pieces of me but never let them get "the whole enchilada." I have been called an "enigma" on a number of occasions and always by men. The definition of an enigma is a person of puzzling or contradictory character. Now I never really put much thought or really cared why some men in my life have thought I was so. However, now I realize that it was my own self defense mechanism. It was my subconscious way of not letting anyone in completely. This scares me. It scares me for a few reasons....1. I am not the only one doing this 2. I see a lot of relationships around me fail because of it 3. I don't know how to shut off the "auto pilot" button on this behavior. So does anyone have any answers? Or let me rephrase that...does anyone have any opinions that might be helpful? And also why have we become so defensive against relationships? Hey I warned about my random thought style...I know, I know....Once I find the right person my whole world will change and I won't have to ask inane questions like these..yada yada yada....and they all lived happily ever after. What if I already met the right person but it wasn't the right time? Or what if something happened to the right person, like a fatal car accident, before I met them? Am I destined to an unhappily ever after with the wrong person? Or even better, the right person was and/or has been right in front of me but I have been to oblivious to notice because I have to be in search of Mr. Right. RIGHT? So you see folks, this whole settling down thing is still quite confusing to me and I am compelled to sometimes just change my resolution back to my old faithful one...not to visit the courthouse for any reason at all. But I will persevere and try to stick with this resolution. Hey, I have a great idea and its one that probably won't keep me up at night..I'll just leave it up to fate ; ) Well, enough of the random thoughts for one evening...As always, love and kisses