Finals Week...

I have one more to go and I have to say that I really miss my easy classes! I wonder if it's too late to switch my major to accounting or history. Hmmm.....

This sucks....

All I have to say at the moment is "This sucks a$$!!"

It is what it is...

Or is it? Don't you love it when you have to eat your own words? Well, I have to personally say it's not the most appetizing meal I've had. Since my last meal was my most recent philosophical phrase of "it is what it is", put in the context of my most recent relationship, I am a little nauseated.
As much as I would like to delude myself into thinking that certain relationships can fall under that philosophy, I was proven wrong by this one. I broke all my rules of engagement with this guy and really thought it would be okay for this particular situation. However, when the end came I definitely did not have the same gusto that I had at the beginning to say "it is what it is" to him.
Either I am getting softer hearted as I get older or maybe I am outgrowing my passion for being stubbornly single. Who knows? But one thing I did learn this time around that it isn't always what it is. That there is always the possibility of something else unforeseen by the head but that the heart does see that can throw a wrench in the best laid plan.
So the next time I want to say that "it is what it is" when describing a relationship, I will definitely remember this last bitter pill I just swallowed.

LIVE, LOVE, AND PLAY HARD

To Forgive or To Not Forgive?

That is the question of the moment. The Webster's dictionary online definition of "forgive" as it pertains to the context of my situation is as follows:

To cease to feel resentment against, on account of wrong committed; to give up claim to requital from or retribution upon (an offender); to absolve; to pardon; - said of the person offending.

Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.
- Luke xxiii. 34.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about this, at least when I have one of my very rare free "thinking" moments that is. In my neverending search of trying to find myself in this chaotic environment we like to call life, forgiveness is not an area that I have fully explored.

Let me digress for a moment here. At the beginning of this year, I was flying back from the East Coast after the holidays on a direct flight. The passenger next to me on this long flight was a psychic. She was an older and very friendly lady and she said that she would do a tarot and palm reading for me. Now I'm pretty superstitious and I do have an interest in that type of stuff so I thought it was a great way to pass some of the time. I have to say though, the last time I had my palm and cards read for me in South Beach years ago eerily was right on the money for my past, present, and future. So after this psychic did my palm and card reading, I ended up having the same type of eery feeling. I won't say exactly all the things that she told me but she did keep bringing up forgiveness. That in order for me to fully move on I need to forgive whoever it is that is holding me back. She also told me that by me not forgiving the other person is hurting me more than it is hurting them. See that's where the eery feeling comes in. It amazes me when a total stranger can be so insightful of another stranger. I guess that's why they are called psychics ; - )

So back to the present moment....I have a few people in my life that I do need to forgive per the above definition. However, it's hard to let go of the resentment that has become part of what drives me or at least that's what I thought it did. The reality is that resentment has hurt me more than it has helped me. I used to think that forgiving myself was enough but it really isn't. Or maybe I just wasn't ready to forgive. To truly forgive someone that has done more wrong by you than right has to be a saintly act to say the least. So I am stuck with this emotional dilemma of to forgive or to not forgive? I know what the right answer is but am I ready to act upon it? Why is it so much easier to hate than forgive? I guess if I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be dwelling on any of this in the first place ; - )

Oh well, enough of my babbling for the night......

Sometimes you have to ask yourself....

One of my cousin's has a quote from someone that intrigued me....

Is the juice worth the squeeze?

Is it??

Life for Rent

I haven't really ever found a place that I call home
I never stick around quite long enough to make it
I apologize that once again I'm not in love
But it's not as if I mind that your heart ain't exactly breaking
It's just a thought, only a thought
But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
I've always thought that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me
It's just a thought, only a thought
But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy
Well I deserve nothing more than I get
Cos nothing I have is truly mine
While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down
While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try
Well how can I say I'm alive
If my life is for rent...

Dido

Don't these lyrics just peg me!! At least I am not in denial any longer....

Dancing Etiquette 101

An old email....

Dancing Etiquette 101 by Me

1. If a woman looks hesitant to groove with you, she probably doesn't want to.

2. Don't dance with friends of the girl that is interested in you. It's just not P.C.

3. If a girl literally has you at arms length while dancing, there's a reason.

4. Don't keep trying to pull the girl in that has you at arms length by grabbing her hands to put them around your neck.

5. Don't stick your leg between a girl's legs and try to bounce them around like they're riding a bull. This is not a dance move!!

6. A slow dance is not appropriate during a fast dance tune. This is only appropriate when the two people are into each other and even then only under special circumstances.

7. Keep hands and other body parts above the hips and below the ribcage while dancing with uninterested girl. Trust me, if an "accident" happens, this will not make the girl more interested in you. At this point, you are just a pervert trying to cop a feel.

8. At the end of the dance with now irritated, uninterested girl, whatever you do, do not try to kiss her!!! This is totally unacceptable and may result in possible painful repercussion for the guy.

Just trying to keep it real and simplified and hoping that this helps someone in the long run ; - )

Love and kisses,
Rosebud--

Mood...

My mood at the moment can only be described as STRESSED!!!!

Quarter Life Crisis

Some things just need to be revisited now and again...

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job...and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then next, secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot start to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself...and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out!

Rosebud

How to Make a Beautiful Life

This was in one of the birthday cards I received. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy so I wanted to share.....And you know how much I like to share ; - )

How to Make a Beautiful Life

Love yourself.

Make Peace with who you are

and where you are

at this moment in time.

Listen to your heart

if you can't hear what it's saying

in this noisy world,

Make Time for yourself.

Enjoy your own company.

Let your mind wander among the stars.

Try.

Take chances.

Make Mistakes.

Life can be messy

and confusing at times,

but it's also full of surprises.

The next rock in your path

might be a stepping-stone.

Be happy.

When you don't have what you want,

want what you have.

Make Do.

That's a well-kept secret of contentment.

There aren't any shortcuts to tomorrow.

You have to Make Your Own Way.

To know where you're going

is only part of it.

You need to know where you've been, too.

And if you ever get lost, don't worry.

The people who love you will find you.

Count on it.

Life isn't days and years.

It's what you do with time

and with all the goodness and grace

that's inside you.

Make a Beautiful Life...

The kind of life you deserve.

Peace Out ; - )

To sleep perchance to dream....

Or something like that. To sleep would be a wonderful thing in itself. I think in the last 96 hours I have had a total of maybe 10 hours of sleep and I think I am getting a little cranky at this point. Then why am I up writing this crap, you may be asking yourself or not? Well, I am hoping if I babble enough that it will make me sleepy. It's only Tuesday night and I feel like it should already be Friday. However, I don't want it to be Friday yet because of all the crapola I have to get done this week. There are really not enough hours in the day to get all the stuff I need to get done, done. I know I am not the only one that feels this way and that makes me a little sad about our lifestyle. I truly believe in having "siesta" time in the middle of the day and a mandatory 5 weeks of vacation every year. Other countries have it, why can't we? If we did, we might not be as cranky of a population as we have become. But hey...that's just my opinion on it.
Alright, I think I have done enough babbling for the evening....So off to trying this elusive thing called sleeping ; - )

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

Birthday weekend 2005

I had to forego my traditional birthday week this past year and condense it down to a birthday weekend. But no worries, it was a great time! My liver is still hating me and I am shy of a few more brain cells but I keep convincing myself that it was all worth it ; - ) Thanks for all the birthday wishes through phone calls, text messages, cards, and emails. Of course, thanks to those that were able to personally wish me a "happy birthday." It was a great weekend!! I will just do a quick rundown of some of the antics....
-Went for dinner and a "couple" of drinks at Pinky's with Johnnie, Arum, Dawn, Mike, Christian, and Stacy on Friday night. Opened some gifts....still a little surprised about the size of the "foot" massager.
-Then went to Creekside for a couple of more drinks with Dawn and Johnnie. Then Boardriders and then Tiare's. Was told that I became the "Dancing Queen." Finally, went to bed @ 5.
-Woke up a couple of hours later to miserably go to work and then class. That was painful in all senses of the word.
-Rallied to go to a house party Saturday night. It was an awesome party and the house and view were gorgeous. Marlon was spinning some great tunes, Mike became bartender, danced with Dan (you dirty boy ; - ), and of course there was ice luge....Nice!!
-Nachos @ Lulu's and then crashing at John and Dan's place.
-Sunday-Hanging out on Mike's boat with some very cool people. Good times as always! BBQ at John's place with the same very cool people.
-Then finally home Sunday evening...to finally get some real sleep!!

It's all about Good friends and Good times!!

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

In Memory of Chloe Leigh

August 10, 1994-September 14, 2005

Chloe Leigh Arreza

To My 4 Legged Angel...

I want you to know that you were my angel in disguise and I will always be thankful that you were part of my life. You were the one that taught me about receiving and giving unconditional love. You were my light during my darkest times and the push I needed to get out and move on. I will miss your dramatic but funny antics, your fierce loyalty and protectiveness, your everwagging nub, the way you would look at people when they spoke like you understood every word they said, how you would try to lay in my lap like you were still the size of a puppy, and I will always miss our "cuddle" times. There was no way that you would let a day go by without 'cuddling' with me. You taught me more about life than any human ever has and for that I will forever be indebted to you. You will always be my "pretty girl."

Rest in peace....

Some pics of Diamondhead and Waikiki

View of Diamondhead from John's Rooftop

View of Waikiki from Mike's boat

Diamondhead from Mike's boat

Patrick's Mexican Night

Patrick with a Mullett

Patrick and I

Steve and Audrey

Patrick, Amanda, and Christian

Marlon, Mike, and Patrick

Audrey, Mags, and Stacy

As most of you have noticed, I have a new toy and I have been playing a lot with it ; - ) This was Patrick's last night before he left to go to training in CA for a couple of months. He wanted mexican and I came up with a new dish "Rose's mexican surprise." I was crushed for time and I put together some mexican looking ingredients and voila...out came something that everybody said was great but they may have been just saying that to not hurt my feelings!! Who cares, right? As long as it was "good times"!!!

"Shakalaka"

The New "Tat"

Astrology...Fact or Fiction?

Gotta love horoscopes that peg exactly how you are feeling at the moment...

Libra Horoscope for September 2, 2005
You may need to change your phone number and email to get some privacy in order to relax. The word is out: No one knows how to throw a party like you do. At work, the powers that be know full well that when it comes to organizing and motivating your coworkers, you're definitely the go-to person. While you absolutely love being in such demand, it's time to say no to some of these requests, simply for the sake of your own sanity.

Summer's Coming to an End...

Summer's over, pretty much. Eventhough, over here there isn't much of a change in temperature but you still feel a change of season. At least I do. Fall has always been my favorite season. It's always been my "settling down" season. By "settling down," I mean that things settle down for me and I settle back into a routine again. Summer is my "free spirited" season. So by the time Fall comes around, I am ready to settle down. This Summer has been pretty busy for me and I am definitely in wind down mode. Things are quieting down for me and that's a good thing. It's given me some time to reflect on what I learned over this summer. This is a rundown of what I have learned...

-You have to close some doors to open others.
-Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.
-Drama is way overrated and draining.
-Realizing that eventhough I have been officially "single" for quite awhile, I have never been alone.
-Men have feelings too and they don't always like to be treated like a "piece of meat."
-There aren't any answers at the bottom of any bottle just more problems.
-Sometimes it is all about timing.
-I have a great network of people in my life ; -)

Well, that's enough of my babbling for the moment. As always....

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

Here's your explanation...

Heather...this is for you ; - )
I have been doing some repacking in my life recently. I have come to terms that I have a lot of emotional baggage. Therefore, I have decided to condense my baggage to a carry-on. I know this is a bunch of analogy crap and if you don't get it, then you don't.
For each extra baggage I have, I tag it with a label. My tags are the lyrics and poems that define what's in that particular baggage. Then I get rid of it metaphorically. My load is getting lighter and I am almost down to the carry-on. But realistically, I doubt that I will ever get to the point of just having a carry-on. Does anybody? I think I would be happy with a carry-on and 1 check-in bag ; - )
So it's been pretty therapeutic even if it sounds a little crazy!! They do say crazy people are happy people, right?!
I hope that this is a better explanation. I am just trying to learn to travel light in life ; - )

Nostalgia...

For the few readers of my blog, I need to explain my recent posts. No, there is nothing that is going on with me. I know my choice of lyrics and poems are a little strange but there is some reason to my madness ; - ) I have been a little nostalgic as of late. I noticed that my most vivid memories of an event, situation, or person are tied to certain songs and poems. So most of the recent posts are dedicated to some of these memories that have been coming to mind.
Just in case anyone thought that I might be going through something, no worries ; - ) Everything is still good in the 'hood ; - )

Love and Kisses,
Rosebud

She's Gone

My woman is gone (woman is gone), my woman is gone (woman is gone).
She had left me a note hanging on my door:
She say she couldn't take it, she couldn't take any more.
The pressure around me - just couldn't see;
She felt like a prisoner who needs to be free.
Fools have tried, yeah - wisemen have failed:Oh, listen to me, honey: life could never be another jail.
Still we know now: we'll never see smoke without fire
And everyone you see has a heart desire.
She's gone (she's gone), she's gone (she's gone),she's gone (she's gone), she's gone, ye-ah!
Oh, mocking bird, have you ever heard,
Words that I never heard?Oh, mocking bird, have you ever heard,Words that I never heard?She made it through the exit (she just couldn't take it);
She made it through the exit (she just couldn't make it).
And, oh, my children, if you see me cryin':My woman is gone.
If you see me - if you see me - if you see me -if you see me cryin' -If you see me - if you see me - if you see me -if you see me cryin':
She's gone (she's gone), she's gone (she's gone), she's gone, ye-ah!
Oh, mocking bird, have you ever heard,
Words that I never heard?Oh, mocking bird, have you ever heard,
Words that I never heard?
She's gone (she's gone), she's gone (she's gone), she's gone(she's gone)

Bob Marley

Hanging By a Moment

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer where i Started
Chasing after you
i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you
forgetting all i'm lacking
completely incomplete
i'll take your invitation
you take all of me
now.. i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you
i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
i don't know what i'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you
there's nothing else to lose
nothing left to find
there's nothing in the world
that could change my mind
there is nothing else
there is nothing else...
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer where i Started
Chasing after you
i'm falling even more in love with you
letting go of all i've held onto
i'm standing here until you make me move
i'm hanging by a moment here with you
i'm living for the only thing i know
i'm running and not quite sure where to go
i don't know what i'm diving into
just hanging by a moment here with you

Lifehouse

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in the winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor know what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone;
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.

Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892-1950)

Let Me Go

LET ME GO

one more kiss could be the best thing one more lie could be the worst
and all these thoughts are never resting and you're not something i deserve
in my head there's only you now
this world falls on me
in this world, there's real and make believe
this seems real to me
you love me, but you dont know who i am
i'm torn between this life i lead
and where i stand
you love me, but you don't know who i am
so let me go
let me go
i dream we head to what i hope for
and i turn my back on loving you
how could this love be a good thing
when i know what i'm going through
in my head there's only you now
this world falls on me
in this world, there's real and make believe
this seems real to me
you love me, but you dont know who i am
i'm torn between this life i lead
and where i stand
you love me, but you dont know who i am
so let me go, just let me go
no matter how hard i try
i cant escape these things inside
i know, i know
but all the pieces fall apart
you will be the only one who knows
who knows
you love me, but you dont know who i am
i'm torn between this life i lead
and where i stand, you love me, but you don't know who i am
so let me go
just let me go

3 Doors Down

My Passion for People....

I know I usually write all about me in my blog and why not? The blog is pretty much all about me. However, as most of you that really know me know that one of my greatest passions is observing other people. People never cease to amaze me. Choices that people make, the way they react to situations, their personal history, what makes them tick, etc.
I think of all the people in my life and first it amazes me how many different types of people I know and second how I get along with so many different types of people. Maybe because, people intrigue me and if anything that peaks my interest it's intrigue. I am not sure if "intrigue" can be used as a noun but I am going to use it as one anyway.
I mean I love people watching. It should be really named as a sport as much as other people do it. I think the best spot for people watching is at a local bar on a weekend around 11 PM when you're sober and everybody else for the most part are not. Now, that's what I call entertainment. You get to see firsthand all the different facets of the human condition unfold right before your eyes and you didn't even have to pay extra for the show ; - ) Most of us have been an audience to this show or even sometimes participants. However, I have to say being a participant is not as much fun as being part of the audience.
I am bringing all this "other people" stuff up because lately I have taken a step back from being a participant to being more part of the audience. Let me tell you, it's been quite refreshing on this end of the spectrum and a whole lot less stressful!
However, all in all, I do love the people in my life. There is definitely never a dull moment ; - )

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

Easy as Life....

No, no, no, no
Nothing is easy
All I have to do
Is forget how much I love him
All I have to do
Is put my longing to one side
Tell myself that love’s an ever changing situation
Passion would have cooled, and all the magic would have died
It’s easy as life
I try to forget how much I want him here
let my tears slowly disappear
I cannot forget that my emotions die
Oh I don’t even want to try
Nothing in life is ever easy
Nothing in love will ever run true
My heart will never stop believing
I still believe in what love can do
All I have to do
Is pretend I never knew you
On those very rare occasions
When you steal into my heart
Better to have lost you
When the ties were barely binding
Better the contempt
Of the familiar cannot stop
It’s easy as life
I try to forget how much I want him here
Then my dreams slowly disappear
I cannot forget that my emotions die
Oh I don’t even want to try
Nothing in life is ever easy
Nothing in love will ever run true
My heart will never stop believing
I still believe in what love can do
It hurts to think about you
When I want to touch you
And how we would have been
If you were here with me today
Those very rare occasions
They keep on coming
All I ever wanted I’m throwing it away
Nothing in life is ever easy
Nothing in love will ever run true
My heart will never stop believing
I still believe in what love can do

Deborah Cox

Having the Flu Sucks....

There is nothing good about being sick. Especially if it is the flu! I think the flu is God's way of trying to be funny. Well God, I'm not laughing!! I am glad that after two days of suffering through massive aches and pains that are worthy of a car accident, freezing in 90 degree weather one moment then sweating profusely the next moment, a sore nose from blowing it constantly, and of course the inflamed lungs and sore ribs from coughing so much, that I am conscious enough to write about my experience! Let us not forget that there is no cure for the flu so of course I have been heavily self medicating myself to the point of pretty heavy sedation. Good times!! I do not wish this on my worst enemy! Well, off to my next dose of medication.

Aloha,
Rosebud

All Byyy Myyyself....

I think everyone knows the lyrics to that song or at least that one line of the song. I had an interesting convo with a good friend of mine today. I was going down the list of everyone that has left me and will be leaving me in the next few months and how I will be by myself for a couple of months. Well, I will be living by myself for a couple of months. Now, I know this is not a big deal for most people my age because they have lived for longer stints by themselves and I did not think that it was a major deal myself. Until my friend prompted me with the question, "have you ever lived by yourself for any extended period of time?" I had to think for a moment on that one. Then came the realization that I haven't ever really lived alone for more than say 10 days, maybe 2 weeks at the most.
My friend suggested that I might need medication for the adjustment. I guess I never thought of it as being such a major adjustment. But it will be for the most part. It doesn't bother me that I will be alone, at least for now. I think of it as more of a vacation or something new to experience. And maybe this is what I need. Some true "alone" time.
Hmmm.....I guess I will see if I truly like myself or not ; - )

As Always,

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

My Shiny New Pink Cruiser....

Yes, everyone I have become a dorky simpleton and the funny thing about it is that I am happier now then I was about a year ago. If you would have asked me if I would be as excited as I am now over a pink, retro, cheesy beach cruiser, I would have looked at you like you had two heads. I would have thought you were even crazier if you would have told me that I would be actually riding one of them and be happy doing it! It all boils down to the fact that Hawaii has changed me and for the better!!
Maybe it's the people that I have met here, the paradise environment, the aloha lifestyle or maybe it's that I am finally realizing what's important in my life. It took 5,000 miles to distance myself enough to get back to who I was. I know that it doesn't make much sense but it totally makes sense to me. It took me going back to VB to realize that my past still had a slight hold on me and it took me coming back to Hawaii to realize that I was finally ready to sever that hold that my past had on me and finally move on with my future. Don't get me wrong, I am not slighting the people that I love and care about me back there. I am talking about the rest of the bullshit that I dealt with there. Who I was there is not the same person that I am today and thank god for that!!!
It's funny how such a small thing like a shiny new pink cruiser can invoke such a revelation but that's how life goes. If you can't enjoy the simple things, how can you enjoy the bigger and important things in life? I know that's a question that really doesn't have an answer so I don't expect an answer. I'd like to figure it out for myself and try to enjoy the process ; - )
Well, enough of my babbling for the day!!!

Mahalo,
Rosebud

Getting back my perspective....

Okay I am over my self pity party. It wasn't so much a self pity theme but more of a self reflection theme. I guess I just needed some downtime to reflect and get my perspective on things and life in general re-focused. It was much needed, I have to admit. I didn't get way off track this time so that's a good thing. However, I have realized that there are a few things in my life that I definitely have to revamp.
For one thing, my perspective on men. Yes, I must be softening in my old age but I am coming to terms that "all men are not created equal" and that they do have feelings also. Since I have been out here in Hawaii, I have met some really great guys that have taught me a lot. For this I am grateful. Each one of them has taught me something different about themselves and myself. The greatest thing I have learned so far is that I don't have to emotionally detach myself from all men. As long as its not the wrong ones!!!
Also my perspective on my social habits has changed a little. I am working on this whole "moderation" theory that everyone keeps talking about. I have done some improvement in that department and it's about time. I doubt it will ever get to "hermit" level and I don't even want to go there but a lot less drama would be nice. I give up the title of being the "epicenter" to anyone who wants it. I am retiring!!!
So all in all, my perspective is still going through some remodeling stages but things are looking good!!!
Well, enough of my babbling for the day.....

As always...

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

Table for Pity Party of One....

That's right...I am throwing a pity party and only a selected few have been invited-me, myself, and I. Now, I know what you're thinking..."what could she be feeling pitiful about?" Well, it's more about the feeling and not about the cause(s). I know I really don't have anything to complain about in my life and looking at the whole picture, I can't complain at all. I have people that love me. I have my health, if you don't count all my self induced bruises, sprains, breaks, and other accidents. I have a job. I have pretty comfortable living conditions. I am going to school. Yada, yada, yada.
I guess I have been doing too much sober reflection the past 2 weeks. I am not too sure if it's the "sober" part or the "reflecting" part that is the problem. Maybe putting the both together is not the best combination for me. Hmmm...I think I need to stop doing one of them so I can get out of this pity party of mine.
I know I am being a little hard on myself for feeling bad about the way I have been feeling lately but I am my own worst critic. Supposedly, it's okay to feel down and out every once in awhile. At least, that's what I hear.
The great thing about having your own blog is that you can ramble on and on about anything or nothing at all. For example, this post is mainly diarrhea of the brain put into words that I could care less if anyone understood it or not.
Pity Party of One is now leaving the building ; - )

Mahalo!!

Back to Hawaii

Well, I am back in the Pacific. I think my jaunts to the East Coast are done for the time being. I was glad that I was able to see most of my family and friends during my visits to New Jersey and Virginia Beach. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have been able to do either. I am grateful for that and it warms my heart that I am missed and loved enough for them to bring me back.
I would go into detail about my trip to VB but I am a little tired so I will just tell you what I learned. I was apprehensive about going because of the "ghosts" analogy I had. I did put most of them to rest and that is truly a weight off my shoulders. I learned that I really did not run from anything or anyone, I just moved on. I also learned that I am truly happy where I am at in my life. I have no regrets for the decisions that I have made in the last 2 1/2 years. However, I do realize that my decisions did in turn affect some of my loved ones and for this I am sorry.
I have to say though that the biggest lesson I learned was that no matter where I am at or what I am doing, I am loved. And for this reason, I realize why I am okay with being single. I was starting to think that maybe that there was really something wrong with me because I haven't caught the relationshipitis bug. I guess I just have a really strong immunity to it but I do know that there is a supervirus out there that will inevitably get me! However, until then I might as well enjoy and live a healthy relationship free life ; - )
As Always...

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

P.S. To those of you who (you know who you are) keep wondering about my MOJO or my "secret." I truly do not have an answer and I promise I am not into witchcraft either!!!!

Interesting Personality Test

social, outgoing, worry free, optimistic, upbeat, tough, likes large parties, makes friends easily, rarely irritated, open, enjoys leadership, trusting, dominant, thrill seeker, strong, does not like to be alone, assertive, mind over heart, confident, controlling, feels desirable, likes the spotlight, loves food, social chameleon, hard working, concerned about others

Heather made me do it!!! This was the result from a personality test that I took on similarminds.com. It pretty much hits me on the mark....Kind of freaky!!!

Ghosts of the past

I am going back to my old stomping grounds for a couple of weeks. I am excited but a little apprehensive at the same time. I miss my family, friends, and pets terribly and I can't wait to see them but....There's always a "but" with me. I left VB over 2 years ago and there were quite a few reasons why I did. I was a mess in all senses of the word by the time I made the decision to leave. I know I was making the right decision when I made it and when I look back on the last 2 years I was right. However, I always had a nagging feeling that maybe I was running away from certain people and issues. These would be my "ghosts." Then they were very real to me but now they have faded into ghosts. I think now I am able to deal with them or just put them at rest finally. I guess I will find out when I am there. I miss my loved ones too much to let my ghosts get in the way of enjoying my time there. I am not sure why I am even writing about this except for the reason that I need to vent out my apprehension now instead of later while I am there and possibly letting that ruin my time there. I am always babbling about something inocuous anyway so if you're reading this and think that I am a headcase....you are probably correct!!! As always....

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

White Party Surprise!!!

As some of you know, I went to Jersey this past weekend. For those of you that are just finding out now, please don't be too mad at me. My uncle wanted to surprise my family by flying me out for a White Party that they were throwing. Well, it worked and I am so glad that I could pull it off. I am tired and a little loopy from the short but very festive weekend but so worth it. Family is very important to me so it was great to see mostly everyone and party together the only way we know, which is BIG!!! The weather was great and it was great to see everyone dressed in white when it became dark. We had a steel drum band, DJ, a man hand rolling cigars, open bar, food to die for, and my aunt's surprise to everyone-belly dancers performing. See my family believes in the philosophy of "Go Big or Go Home" when it comes to throwing parties and they just keep getting bigger as the years go by. Then comes the After Party which is held in the jacuzzi and pool. The After Party is more for the younger generation and this is taking place around1AM and does not end until about 2AM. Of course, it's me and my friend Bobbie that are still up drinking wine until 7AM! I wonder if this should be of any concern? Yeah, so what if it is? You only live once so might as well have a good time doing it ; - )
Well, this is the update for everyone so I don't have repeat it over and over again....As always...

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

What is your definition of dating?

Now it has been known that the dinner conversations that are held in my household are anything but conventional and I will not deny that. However, I have to write about the dinner conversation that was held tonight. There were many different subjects that were brought up but this one in particular really peaked my interest. The definition of dating. Don't ask how it was brought up but it was. I think that dating has a different definiton to everyone. What I consider dating would be different to someone else's concept of dating. I consider dating as being with one person exclusively. Where someone else would consider it as my concept of "hanging out" with several different people. So I want to pose this question to the masses....What is your definition of dating?

As always...

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

The first step is to admit you have a problem....

Alright....so I have relationship commitment issues. See there, I have admitted it. Now where do I go from here? Probably counseling, I'm guessing. LOL. I can also laugh at myself so it can't be that bad. Or maybe I am just deluding myself into thinking it's not that bad. My family and my closest friends keep telling me that I am pretty bad. Nothing like always being brutally honest with the people that you love ; - ) Well, it's the only way I know so I am pretty immune to the honest criticisms of my so called single lifestyle by my loved ones!!
However, I am trying to change my ways. Really I am. It's just in a very, very turtle like slow manner. Can anyone really blame me for being a little gun shy when it comes to being involved in a committed relationship though? I mean I did spend about 7 years in a relationship that the only way to describe it is as pure HELL. Excuse my French but I don't really have any other adjectives to better describe it. I know, I know....get over it but unfortunately that left a good amount of scar tissue that will never go away.
I have to say though that I have had relationships since then but I can't say that they were conventional ones in other people's views. And yes, they were definitely not committed ones. But it did not mean I did not love these guys, they just were in my life at the wrong time or they just weren't the "commitment" type. And for some, they were Mr. Right Now and not Mr. Right.
Trust, I do believe in commitment. I just want it to be with the right person and not someone that I am settling for because they were there at the right time and place in my life.
Hmmm....It might also help if I could get over my fear of "first dates." ; - )

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

Back on track....

Momentary lapse of reality. That's what I had a case of. You ever have that one person in your life that is your Achille's heel? Well, I have one of them. He's my "what if?" person. Every time he comes back into my life now is the only time I have self doubt about my decisions that I have made over the last year and a half. Time and distance has been making it easier for me to recoup from his "follow-up" contacts with me. However, just as much as he is my weakness he has been my strength in a lot of ways. So for that I am grateful for him being in my life.
So folks I am back on track. Well, as much as someone like me can be ; - )
On a different note: I have a question for the masses. Why do we make relationships so much harder than they really are? I know its a loaded question but after observing many relationships around me and of course my own, I think if most people knew that answer there would be a lot less drama. Just something to ponder.....

Love and Kisses,
Rosebud

Time Out...

I think everyone needs a little "time out" every once in awhile. I know I need one desperately. It's not really because of anyone or any one thing in particular why I need to take the "time out." Maybe that's it....I am on such sensory overload that I can't pick out what that one person or thing could be that is ultimately the reason for my confused state at the moment. All I know is that I am cranky more so than I want to be and it has nothing to do with hormones. Ahhh, damn it's probably just me that's getting on my own nerves ; - )

Hmmm...now that's a concept to ponder on....

Sharing of the feelings....

In my household, the running joke is about how we like to "share our feelings." I live with 2 male Marine officers so that's why it is a running joke in my household. Yes, that's right....I am the only female. I try to bring a little "chick" touch to the household by talking about "feelings." It really isn't about "feelings" but it is a lot of talk about everyday occurences in relationships, work, and life in general. However, I am losing my touch. The last two weeks I have been in a little funk....
I have lost the ability to share my feelings. I believe it will be temporary or at least I hope so. I know for the most of you that are reading this are wondering how can she say that this is so when I am blogging about my feelings! The thing is that I am not able to communicate my feelings with someone very dear to me and this is not the norm for me. I know I am confused about my feelings and maybe that's why I am in the funk that I am in. I keep putting myself into these emotional pickles and this time I am not doing so well on getting myself out of it.
Hopefully, I will have some solution to this funk that I'm in and be able to resolve it soon or I might just have to slit my wrists. I am kidding about the slitting of the wrists. I mean it only in a metaphorical sense!
Who would have ever thought that someone was able to put a crack into my brick wall?
As always...

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

You gotta love life...

There are moments that I reflect on and have to say " life is not so bad after all." I am glad I have those moments because it balances out those moments where I just have to say "damn, what the hell did I do to deserve this?" I am blessed for the people I have in my life. I truly am. I have come to terms with the dysfunctioning aspects of my family but who doesn't have dysfunctional aspects in their family? They are not perfect but they are as close to perfect as I would want them to be. Noone is perfect so why would anyone expect to have a large group of people to be perfect functioning together? That is not human nature. My friends are also great but not perfect. I wouldn't want anyone that is part of my life or inner circle to be any different than they are. You want to know why? Well, if you don't really want to know why I could really care less because I am going to say why anyway! The reason why is this; everyone has their own unique characteristics or personality that they bring to the table and each person that is within my inner circle has taught me, in their own little ways, a lot about me. This may be a little on the deep side but I have had a little to drink tonight and you know how that goes ; - )
We all have something about ourselves to share with others. It could be book or street knowledge, life experiences, or anything....but we all have something to share. Sometimes it could be just as simple as saying "hello" or just asking how someone's day is could make someone else's day, month, or year! It's really that simple. Trust, I used to never be so sensitive or "Mother Theresa-like" but it sure beats being a cynical hard ass any day! Life is just not that hard that we don't make it so....
I digress....I want to pay a tribute to my roommates. They are the best guys I know. The both of them. They are my ying and yang right now. I would literally "bury a dead body" for them, no questions asked. I don't care what people say about them ; - ) They are just "GOOD" people all the way around. I LOVE YOU GUYS ; - )
No worries, people....To everyone else in my inner circle-You all have a special unique spot in my heart! Don't you forget that ; - )

Love and kisses,
Rosebud

I am a danger to myself....

Yes, that's right...I have somewhat known for quite awhile but I now totally convinced I am a danger to myself. I don't have to worry about anyone else being a danger to me because I will almost more likely do more damage to myself than anyone else can inflict on me. I am writing this while having a sprained ankle, a banged up knee, and a corneal eye infection. Now, the cause of the corneal eye infection is still a mystery but a lot of ailments I have had since I have moved to Hawaii are mysteries. Or that's what the doctors here keep telling me. I personally think that they are all just blowing smoke up my ass but hey I'm not a doctor! I refused to go to the doctor for the sprained ankle because I was worried that they might say that they may have to amputate it or something off the wall like that. The doctors here are a little strange to say the least. So I had my good friend (she's a PA in sports medicine) come over to assure me that I did not break it because this sprain was a little more painful than my other past 8 ankle sprains. Now, I am self aware that I am not the most coordinated person in the world but this is now becoming a major issue. So far in my lifetime I have broken both my arms, a finger, sprained my ankles 9 times, pulled out my back a few times, and let' s not start on my battle scars that I have obtained from fighting with inanimate objects and losing! And most of these injuries have a funny story behind them and some I do blame the Captain, Jack, and Jim for being cohorts in my demise. These newest injuries occurred last Friday night. Now, when people ask what happened and I start telling them when it happened, the first question I get is "were you drunk?" For the record, I was coming home from a local bar but I was not drunk. I had a happy buzz but not drunk. Unfortunately, I decided to get into a fight with the sidewalk and the outcome of that battle did not come out in my favor. So maybe it is a sign that drinking, walking, and inanimate objects in my world should not be combined! I think I would be the safest just not going out at all. However, I have had accidents happen in the home also and they did not include any alcohol. So I guess I am just doomed either way!
What's a girl to do? Well, this one will just add another injury earned to her already long list and stick a bright sign on her that says "Danger" and just keep rolling!

Love and Kisses,
Rosebud

Some amusing sidenotes...

I have to say that living in Hawaii does have some disadvantages. For example, more flesh shown in public that should really be kept for private viewing only. You know what I am talking about. The older lady that for some reason thinks that showing her rolls that gravity and age have put their special mark on is something that should proudly be displayed in public. I know that it might be a disturbing mental image but trust me..it's more disturbing to come across it in person!
I also would like to add my personal marketing ideas for the "Amazing Maui Babe Browning Lotion." It should aptly be renamed the "Amazing Burn Bitch Burn Lotion." If you are brave enough to use it after my consumer report on the product, PLEASE read the directions first. Also you must coat yourself with a healthy layer of the highest SPF sunscreen available before applying this stuff. I personally used this by recommendation by my dear friend, Mike. He swears that he told me the precautionary requirements about this product but he also knows that I am lucky to remember what I did yesterday let alone a conversation a few months back! I think he must have been mad at me for something because I am still dealing with the horrible side effects of this product if not used correctly. I went to the beach about 2 weeks ago for about 2 hours with this stuff slathered on. Well, I am still recuperating from the results of that outing. I might as well just slathered on some Crisco and went out there. My skin was still cooking literally 2 days later. My poor roommate had to help me with trying to cool my skin down for about a week. Aloe Vera with Lidocaine is a godsend! However, I still was not able to stop the peeling process that would of course start with my face. I looked like someone smeared neopolitan ice cream all over my face...Yes it was quite attractive ; ) And now 2 weeks later, I am peeling like a snake sheds their skin from the upper extremities of my body! It is some evil stuff and I hope everyone learns from my mistake ; )
There was also the "novice" hike turned into "death defying" hike that ended up with being locked into private property and then almost having a head on collision with a cracked out crazy local redneck that I don't think had much more of a vocabulary past the obvious curse words! I think the next hike I will take I will make sure that its one that others have been on. It is not a pasttime that I want to travel the "road less traveled."
Well, that's what has been going on in my neck of the woods here. It's always an adventure ; ) I hope all is well with everyone...As always, love and kisses.

Rosebud

An Insomniac's Babbling

Alright, it's after midnight on a Friday and I can't sleep. No...it's not because I drank too much or I'm up to no good and having a good time doing it. Right at this moment though, they don't sound like bad excuses for being up past midnight on a Friday. Oh, the good ole days. How I miss them so! When the weekend started on a Thursday night and carried through to Sunday. Let's not forget happy/therapy hour Monday through Wednesday; )
Now I spend my weeknights and even most of my weekend nights at home trying to be studious and do the good girl routine. I know it sounds pretty pathetic and it pretty much is. I have been catching up on all the TV that I missed during my socially busy decade. I have to tell you...I didn't miss out on much but I have to say I see the cathartic experience that watching TV can bring to people. It's the whole "zoning" out thing. It's almost zen-like, especially when you are becoming one with the couch. LOL
I digress to my new homebody phase....It's not completely pathetic and maybe in a way a little therapeutic. In the past I have always been the one on the go, go, go. I always put a lot of stuff on my social plate and was never home, wherever that was for the month (during my nomadic 2 year existence). I literally lived out of my car. I easily clocked 75 to 100 miles on my car a day which was always in a 20 mile radius. I used to feel like I wasn't doing enough things and I was restless when I first came to Hawaii. Now, I don't have that feeling as much. I think the way laidback island lifestyle is starting to absorb and I'm okay with it. Remind me why I felt that I had to be so ambitious before and run around like a chicken with her head cut off? I am still trying to remember the reason(s) but its becoming more vague the more time I am here; )
I have to say that the change in me has been good. I am much calmer and peaceful now. I vaguely remember what major life drama is. I am more focused and more self aware. It was hard to find who I was under the fog of whatever poison I chose for that particular day. I am not walking around like the tin man in the Wizard of Oz without a heart anymore. It's refreshing in many ways to realize that underneath all my cynicism, pain, and distrust that there's a person that still believes in the good of people and love. And that my dear ones is priceless : )
I think I am done with my mushy, groggy blog for the evening and try to read some more. Hopefully, I will nod off soon or I might have to keep blogging about nonsensical emotional bullshit again ; )

Love and Kisses,
Rosebud

Singled Out

Okay it's official...My single girlfriend rankings are dwindling. Out of my girlfriends that I have known for quite a few years, I am now the only one that is single. I have obtained some more recent girlfriends but out that group it is still a minimal number. I can count the amount of single girlfriends I have on one hand. Now that is not a good percentage, I have to say. I know most of my 'coupled up' friends say that I should enjoy being single because its not that peachy in coupledom all the time. Some are jealous because I can do what I want, when I want and with who I want. But.....If coupledom is not so great than why does everyone have a huge desire to be a part of a couple? And why for the rest of us that are not part of coupledom feel 'singled out' ?
For the record, I am not really looking for answers to those questions. I am just babbling about the subject. I believe that both lifestyles has its pros and cons but being single has always had a more of a "bad boy" reputation linked to it. Its like in high school where you had your little cliques: the jocks, the cheerleaders, the nerds, and just the average middle of the road kids. But there was always the cool bad ass kid in your school that everybody wanted to befriend but not get really close to because the kid really didn't have a future past graduation (if the kid made it that far). Well, that's kind of the same feeling you have when you are single amongst the 'couples.' To graduate into coupledom, you have to have a significant other. Hence the 'singled out' theory I have.
Now onto to other nonsensical babble (I am waiting on the dryer to finish so therefore I have nothing else to do).....I keep getting asked this question, "what are you looking for in a man?." My answer has always been "I don't know"...Until now. I think I may have an answer now. I am looking for a person that 'gets' me without having to ask me 100 annoying questions about myself, someone who is secure enough in themselves (not arrogant) that I don't have to play nurse to their emotions and is able to share their emotions like a normal human adult-normal being the operative word. A person that is able to enjoy life and actively live it-not meaning having to be athletic ; ) All I want is a passionate, intelligent, fun-loving, secure man that 'gets' me-being attractive would be helpful ; ) Now is that too much to ask for? Or maybe it is : ( Oh I forgot to add a couple of things- job(does not have to be high paying) and a driver's license ; ) Now that might be too much to ask for ; )
Alright I am done with my babbling....Hope all is well with everyone and as always....Love and kisses

Rosebud

Confessions...

Alright I had an enlightening conversation with my "boyfriend" the other night and I am not sure if I really needed that much enlightening...We were talking about the general subject of being single and "hooking up." Okay for the most part, it is under general consensus that men are the dogs and the women are the toys that they play with. Or at least that's how the majority of the single population thinks. But there are always exceptions to the rules....that's where my role in the convo comes in. We were talking about an outing we had where I ran into a random guy that I had hooked up with a while before. The irony with that was that I ran into him about 100 miles away from the original scene of the crime and I would never thought our paths would ever cross again locally let alone outside of the local area. On top of all that, I had used an AKA with him. Nothing like that situation to come back to bite you in the ass. Now I remembered that part of our outing but my "boyfriend" started telling me about another guy that I obviously got really friendly with at the same bar. Now I am thinking that we are still talking about the same guy but I didn't remember being friendly with him. I just remembered trying to avoid him like the plague. No, my "boyfriend" proceeds to describe another guy. I mean he really is giving me a lot of details about the guy and the situation and I am still scratching my head. Then a slight memory finally comes into my head. Then mortification! I mean I totally forgot about this guy. Wow, this did not happen years ago either. This happened a little over 6 months ago. So now I am thinking how many other guys have I forgotten about? I mean I have been known to forget names (very common) and maybe put a label on them like; Bartender guy, Random tourist guy....you get the picture. I have even introduced a guy to my friends the next day by a totally different name. At least he did have a good sense of humor! Now my dilemma is...is my "looseness and forgetfulness" part of who I really am and it just comes out with the aid of alcohol? You know the whole truth serum philosophy that comes out of a bottle.
Or was/is it just a phase? Maybe I am just proverbially beating myself up about it. I know I am a good person for the most part. I guess I just need to find someone that can settle me down and that I can still remember their name! So for the men out there that I have forgotten your name, face, and even bluntly given you false identity.....I am sorry and I promise I will work on my memory skills. To hopefully more memorable good times ; )

Love and Kisses,
Rosebud

Distracted again...

I should be studying for the many tests, quizzes, and crap for school but again I am finding inane things to do to distract me. For example, writing nonsensical bull#@*! in my blog. I don't have anything in particular to write about or more like anything in particular that I would like to share with the public. School is just not fun. I would rather work 50+ hours a week than do what I am doing now. I have at least 2 more years of this torture. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel but right now all it looks like is a small pinprick of light showing through. I am not the only one in the situation and I really don't have it bad. I just need to bitch and whine. I have found I have quite a knack for it. Scary, huh? Well, I think I have done enough babbling. I am going to find something else to distract me now. As always....

Aloha,
Rosebud

Hurry up and get here already....

Okay I know that's a little random but it's the only way I can sum up how I am feeling right now. You ever sit for a minute and think about where you are in your life and just get a restless feeling? I know I am tracking and I know the next couple of years will fly by with school and then I can feel like a productive working adult again but......can't it just hurry up and get here already? Eventhough I am tracking with my own goals, I feel like I am missing out on so much of what's going on in everyone else's lives. Maybe because I am so far away and it's not convenient for me to travel to celebrate everyone else's celebrations and milestones. I have friends getting married, having babies, etc. Family celebrating birthdays, milestones, graduations, etc. My pets getting older without me. It makes me sad sometimes even with pictures and phone calls to keep me up to date. I mean I am not ungrateful for these things because it's my lifeline at times. I do treasure them but it's not the same as physically being there. I know I made my choices and by these choices I also made some sacrifices. I know that I don't get a lot of sympathy because I am in Hawaii but paradise has its costs. I am way far...like 5000 miles far. I have learned though that you can never reach enough distance away from issues that plague you but you can reach enough distance to gain perspective on those issues. I am learning a lot about myself here without the security blanket that my family and friends have always provided for me. Although sometimes that "security" blanket was more like a huge oversized smothering comforter; ) I am able to reinvent myself here but what I have come to realize that I don't really need to. I like the person that I truly am. I just needed to find that out on my own I guess. However, with all that said, I still want ? to hurry up and get here already....The true question though now to answer is the "what?" Now wouldn't I just be satisfied if I could figure that out (lol) Probably not....is anybody ever truly satisfied?!
Love and kisses,
Rosebud

My Valentine's Day so far....

It's not even 11 am on Valentine's Day and I am having an interesting day. If you think you're having a bad day and just need a chuckle at someone else's expense. I am here for you! Warning for the men: this material may contain some personal information that you really don't want to know but read ahead at your own risk! Women, you may be able to relate.
I had my yearly female appointment this morning. Yes, I know what a day to pick to have this appointment but I don't really think about it in that way. Well, you know they do the usual test for blood pressure, weight, heart rate, etc. By the way, I am so not happy about the weight thing but here I must be considered at a normal weight range because they don't mention it whatsoever. On the East Coast, I would be getting lectured while I was on the scale! Then I proceed to the operatory to meet with the doctor to do a meet/greet conversation. I have to tell her about my health and sexual history. I am honest and let her know that I am not always the "Safety First" girl. Now I was honest about that so why does she want to proceed to ask me why? I mean how do you answer that without feeling like a dumbass and slutty all at the same time? It's like the commercials about virus protection....Because I wasn't thinking and usually I am too inebriated to really care? So the doc pretty much sums it up for me with a "so it's just a fun thing then?" Now if it wasn't fun then why would people even bother having sex? So I was quickly written a prescription for birth control pills and told again about the virtues of condoms. This is all before the actual "exam." Men complain about having to "cough" and having an anal probe but they have nothing on what women have to go through. Complain to me when you have something metal jacking open your ass and probing around in it. The funny thing is about the whole procedure to me is the distracting conversation you are usually forced into while this is going on....."So what do you do on your free time?; Where are you from?" The whole time I'm thinking can "you just get in and get out already." Her diagnosis is that everything seems to be in proper working order but it looks like I may have an allergic reaction/infection of some sort. She assures me that this is pretty common to people that have just recently moved here. Great, so I am allergic to Hawaii! Then she sends me down to get some bloodwork done because there might be a possibility that I may be anemic or possible thyroid issues. So all in all, I have to say I have been poked twice before 11 am on Valentine's Day and I have to say neither was a very enjoyable experience! So now I must await for my results and hope that I am not anemic, have yet another rare infection of some sort, or that I am not running around with some nasty STD! Plus I need to quit smoking, lose some weight (at least by my standards), and become monogamous and start practicing "safety first" in all instances! But really I am in good spirits!
I wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day and treat your loved ones like it's Valentine's Day everyday!
Love and kisses,
Rosebud

Forget about the Clock...Now I have to worry about the Expiration Date

By "Clock," I mean the all mighty biological clock that women are genetically born with. Now I know that for some of us the ticking noise is still just white noise but for the rest the ticking has become a resounding boom. For me, the sound is on the standard ticking level so in other words it hasn't reached the resounding boom level yet. I do have a game plan somewhat strategized and I also have a plan B if things don't work out with the metaphorical game plan A. With all that figured out, I figured I could spend my time concentrating on other aspects of my life. Or so I thought....
I spoke to my stepmom today for the sole reason of thanking her and my father for something and to give her update about her daughter. Well, during our conversation she brings up that "they" were talking about me the other day. Now "they" could mean her and my father or it could mean them and plus some other 3rd parties that I know do not know me. Unfortunately for me, I believe the latter is true. The conversation was about my "expiration" date. Yes, did you know that we women walk around with an expiration date? That's right. I have reached an age where my shelf life is decreasing quite rapidly. "They" were estimating how much time I have to meet a man, get married, and start a family. Obviously, "they" have concluded that I need to get on the fast track plan. So my stepmom proceeds to explain to me that I should set my standards lower on getting a man. Not in those words exactly but that was the gist of it. She actually does tell me that a man that checks up on me every once in awhile to make sure I am okay or still breathing is good enough. As long as he doesn't treat me bad, she adds. Great...so pretty much throw out compatibility, physical chemistry, and the notion of love out the window! Because these things don't really matter if you are now on the "clearance" rack of people that are not in relationships right now. Well, I know I will sleep better tonight!
Now I have also been told by one of my dearest friends that I need to put an ad out to market myself. She is also worried about my "expiration" date also. It was kinda comical on what she wanted to put into the ad describing me and what I am looking for. The only odd stipulation in this "ad" was that he had to be willing to move to VB. Why all this worry on me finding someone? Is it because I am not so worried so everyone else has to do it for me? And keep coming up with what I have to do so I am not lonely.
NEWSFLASH: I am not a lonely desperate 30 year old single woman ready to jump on any chance I get to have a relationship!
I love my family and friends for caring enough to spend their free time worrying about my love life and making sure I don't reach my "expiration" date without me knowing it. I am well aware of all this and then some. Trust me on that. I just haven't reached desperation level yet. I am just trying to finish school and concentrating on surviving that for now. If a man falls into the picture then that would be a bonus. However, I don't have the time or the energy to put a full page ad out that states that I am an available 30 year old single female looking for any man that is single and ready to get married and start a family ASAP.
Who knows? Maybe when I am 35 my perspective might change but for right now....I am fine REALLY!
Love and kisses,
Your single female Rosebud

Some Random Thoughts....

I wasn't sure on how to title this one because really it is just some random thoughts without any organization. One of my resolutions this year is to settle down. Not necessarily meaning that I want to be married by the end of the year type of settling down but more of settling down in my ways. I have mellowed out a lot in the last couple of years with the random hookups and thinking that men are just useful for "one thing" (and realizing that sometimes they can't live up to that challenge either ; ) I have come to realize that not all men are created equal. Yes, my dearest old friends, I have come to terms that I do have a heart and sooner or later I have to open it up to someone else. Don't get me wrong....I have loved men before and not in just the physical way. I am capable of loving. I have gotten that far. But to be fair, I have never totally let someone in. I have only let people have glimpses or little pieces of me but never let them get "the whole enchilada." I have been called an "enigma" on a number of occasions and always by men. The definition of an enigma is a person of puzzling or contradictory character. Now I never really put much thought or really cared why some men in my life have thought I was so. However, now I realize that it was my own self defense mechanism. It was my subconscious way of not letting anyone in completely. This scares me. It scares me for a few reasons....1. I am not the only one doing this 2. I see a lot of relationships around me fail because of it 3. I don't know how to shut off the "auto pilot" button on this behavior. So does anyone have any answers? Or let me rephrase that...does anyone have any opinions that might be helpful? And also why have we become so defensive against relationships? Hey I warned about my random thought style...I know, I know....Once I find the right person my whole world will change and I won't have to ask inane questions like these..yada yada yada....and they all lived happily ever after. What if I already met the right person but it wasn't the right time? Or what if something happened to the right person, like a fatal car accident, before I met them? Am I destined to an unhappily ever after with the wrong person? Or even better, the right person was and/or has been right in front of me but I have been to oblivious to notice because I have to be in search of Mr. Right. RIGHT? So you see folks, this whole settling down thing is still quite confusing to me and I am compelled to sometimes just change my resolution back to my old faithful one...not to visit the courthouse for any reason at all. But I will persevere and try to stick with this resolution. Hey, I have a great idea and its one that probably won't keep me up at night..I'll just leave it up to fate ; ) Well, enough of the random thoughts for one evening...As always, love and kisses