It is what it is...

Or is it? Don't you love it when you have to eat your own words? Well, I have to personally say it's not the most appetizing meal I've had. Since my last meal was my most recent philosophical phrase of "it is what it is", put in the context of my most recent relationship, I am a little nauseated.
As much as I would like to delude myself into thinking that certain relationships can fall under that philosophy, I was proven wrong by this one. I broke all my rules of engagement with this guy and really thought it would be okay for this particular situation. However, when the end came I definitely did not have the same gusto that I had at the beginning to say "it is what it is" to him.
Either I am getting softer hearted as I get older or maybe I am outgrowing my passion for being stubbornly single. Who knows? But one thing I did learn this time around that it isn't always what it is. That there is always the possibility of something else unforeseen by the head but that the heart does see that can throw a wrench in the best laid plan.
So the next time I want to say that "it is what it is" when describing a relationship, I will definitely remember this last bitter pill I just swallowed.

LIVE, LOVE, AND PLAY HARD

To Forgive or To Not Forgive?

That is the question of the moment. The Webster's dictionary online definition of "forgive" as it pertains to the context of my situation is as follows:

To cease to feel resentment against, on account of wrong committed; to give up claim to requital from or retribution upon (an offender); to absolve; to pardon; - said of the person offending.

Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.
- Luke xxiii. 34.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about this, at least when I have one of my very rare free "thinking" moments that is. In my neverending search of trying to find myself in this chaotic environment we like to call life, forgiveness is not an area that I have fully explored.

Let me digress for a moment here. At the beginning of this year, I was flying back from the East Coast after the holidays on a direct flight. The passenger next to me on this long flight was a psychic. She was an older and very friendly lady and she said that she would do a tarot and palm reading for me. Now I'm pretty superstitious and I do have an interest in that type of stuff so I thought it was a great way to pass some of the time. I have to say though, the last time I had my palm and cards read for me in South Beach years ago eerily was right on the money for my past, present, and future. So after this psychic did my palm and card reading, I ended up having the same type of eery feeling. I won't say exactly all the things that she told me but she did keep bringing up forgiveness. That in order for me to fully move on I need to forgive whoever it is that is holding me back. She also told me that by me not forgiving the other person is hurting me more than it is hurting them. See that's where the eery feeling comes in. It amazes me when a total stranger can be so insightful of another stranger. I guess that's why they are called psychics ; - )

So back to the present moment....I have a few people in my life that I do need to forgive per the above definition. However, it's hard to let go of the resentment that has become part of what drives me or at least that's what I thought it did. The reality is that resentment has hurt me more than it has helped me. I used to think that forgiving myself was enough but it really isn't. Or maybe I just wasn't ready to forgive. To truly forgive someone that has done more wrong by you than right has to be a saintly act to say the least. So I am stuck with this emotional dilemma of to forgive or to not forgive? I know what the right answer is but am I ready to act upon it? Why is it so much easier to hate than forgive? I guess if I knew the answer to that I wouldn't be dwelling on any of this in the first place ; - )

Oh well, enough of my babbling for the night......